I have had a rough couple of days. For once, not because of my mood, but because of external factors that I can’t control that are hard to handle. I’m actually quite impressed with how I’ve handled it, even though I could have done a lot better. I’m proud for not going down into a depressive episode, but I may also still be in a type of shock. Join me in an abridged version of what’s happened. Names and some details are changed for privacy, in case you were curious.
Yesterday, I got a call at 8 am from Connor. He had someone that really needed help. I’ll call him Jack. Jack was deeply upset and very depressed and had started to talk to Connor about it. Connor knew because of his lack of empathy and understanding of what mental illness feels like, that he was not the person to talk him through this. I have known Jack for about 10 years and care deeply for him. I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and headed to talk to Jack. I was with him and he was telling me his deepest and darkest secrets and depressive thoughts until 1:30 when I had to leave for group therapy. He had a plan to commit suicide when he got home by going to Lowes and getting dryer pipes and threading them into his truck’s cab. This understandably shook me to my core. That’s how I know it’s not normal depression, it’s really serious. Things change from ideation to a plan on how/what to do. I tried to make him promise me that he wouldn’t do it, he couldn’t. I tried to say I’d come stay with him all night, he told me no. I said I’d take him to the inpatient ward, that was a no as well. Finally, I got him to promise me he’d be safe while I went to group therapy and hugged him and left. Connor was my first call when I got in the car. I told him briefly what had happened and told him to go to Jack. After about 2 hours in therapy, I get a message that we are going to take Jack out of town and to a hotel. We’re going to a bar to watch the Seahawks game and get ice cream, as that’s what Jack wanted to do. Once I got to Jack and found out what town to go to, I hurriedly booked a hotel and got us a bar that allowed us to smoke inside (both Connor and Jack smoke like chimneys, and I vape). I had everything set up in minutes, so into the car we went. Connor also called Jack’s other close friend, Kevin to go with us. We spent the night at the bar having fried foods and a couple of drinks. Jack was extremely quiet the entire time, but he did smile when his team won. We all just talked and supported him and didn’t really bring up the pink elephant in the room. We all knew who we were there for and just wanted him to enjoy himself for once and know we loved him. I brought him one of my books, Depression and Anxiety, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety, by Thomas Marra for him to work through as well as a couple of worksheets from group. I made him promise me he’d try to go through them all and do the work, as it’s a workbook.
So, in the morning we got up bright and early at 7:30 and headed out. I had another spinal injection in my neck, this time under sedation. OH MY GOD IT’S SO MUCH BETTER THAT WAY. I was able to handle it, I didn’t panic, it went more quickly, and I was okay. I still HATED the tingles going down my arm when he put in the medicine, but whatever. I got over it since I expected it this time and could anticipate the odd feeling. I was in and out in an hour, which I did not expect. I thought I’d be fully sedated (apparently if that happens you can become paralyzed!) and spend the entire day there. Bonus, a short day at the hospital.
I get home and had planned to paint my stepdaughter’s room, but just couldn’t get the energy up, I’d had a rough couple of days. So I laid down on my heating pad and waited. I had a phone call meeting with my job at 3:30 PM. I called in and got some news about disability that I’m not really understanding yet or processing. (I still have a job mom and dad!). I just don’t know what to think or do with disability, going back to work, when to go back etc. I’m beyond terrified to go back, but I miss it so much. So I’m stuck here. I have to decide now too, instead of later. Time for coping skills and discussing with Connor.
I’ve been in pain all day, had a hard day yesterday and still cooked dinner and took care of everyone. I’ll still call that a win, even though I didn’t do my one extra productive thing today (that’s my expectation of myself). Oh well. Bigger things happened, and I’m okay with myself for not doing it, and have not that much guilt, even though it is there. I can’t wait to sleep tonight. I’m tired.