I have had this idea for something to write for a long time. But I’ve been dreading it. It scares me to be so open and raw. I’ve been trying to and learning to do so, but this particular topic is really hard for me to admit and to be open about.
I’m terrified of having a child, especially after my diagnosis. Because there is a genetic component to bipolar, what kind of mother would I be to give my child the same kind of issues that I’ve dealt with my whole life? How is that fair to them? It’s already hard enough to be alive. This would, or could, just make everything harder.
While it’s not as extreme, it kind of feels like someone with Huntington’s or some other disorder that is genetically inherited. They struggle with knowing whether to have a child as well. But for these disorders, or some of them, there are tests in vitro that can be taken. They don’t know enough about the brain to be able to test for something like bipolar. I have family history of mental disorders that I’m just really finding out about, so there is some kind of genetic issue going on with me. Do I just ignore it all because of my deep and burning desire to be a mother? Can I reconcile with the fact that I will know what I’m seeing if my child does show signs of bipolar? Or will I overreact like I have with my step-kids and make a mountain out of a molehill? So far, I’ve been able to notice issues with my step-kids before the doctors do, but that doesn’t mean I’m good or it’s safe for me to notice and point them out to their parents. I could be wrong and start things that shouldn’t be there.
How does one reconcile the need to be a mom, since I was but three years old, with the desire and love for an unborn child to not hurt? Because I already have extraordinary issues with my back, it’s already going to be very difficult for me to carry a child before and after birth. That I can handle. But what about my medication during the pregnancy? I’ve already talked to my psychiatrist about it and she’s helped many bipolar women through pregnancy and had a healthy child after. I know it’s possible. But it’s also terrifying to be taking such powerful medicine when you’re not even supposed to have Tylenol or soft cheese during pregnancy.
Now family that is reading this. This does not mean I will not have a baby, as you all know it’s my one goal in life. I’m just voicing my fears. This is all supposed to be coming up soon, so it has been on my mind a lot. I have so much support and know I’ll be able to get through it. It’s just terrifying.
(As an afterthought. If you’ve noticed my writing has been shorter, I’m trying something out. I was told that my writing is too extensive and people don’t have time to read the posts. So, maybe if I write less but more often, I can reach more people. I’ve just got to learn to be less verbose and more to the point)