I’ve had this request to do this certain topic for weeks now, but never really knew how to write it. It’s not something I’ve directly experienced, so I can’t speak for myself and so had to do a lot of research on the topic. However, one of my close friends just disclosed that it has happened to her and her partner, so I thought today was finally time to write. Miscarriages. They happen to so many women, so often, and yet are not talked about. Understandably, for some, it’s such a devastating thing that they don’t want to mention it, let alone think about it. Yet, for others, it’s a relief and that’s okay too. Here is a brief summary of what I learned while researching about losing a pregnancy.
You are absolutely allowed to feel however you do. There is no set way or required way to feel. If you feel hopeless and lost and devastated, take all the time you need. But if it was not the right time for you to bring a baby into the world and you’re a little relieved, that’s just as valid. There is no one set way you’re supposed to feel about losing your pregnancy. If you are beyond depressed and overwhelmed, let yourself feel it. Go through and work through your emotions. That’s healthy and okay, you’re grieving a child. There is nothing wrong with grief, as hard as it is to experience.
There is NOTHING you could have done. Miscarriages happen for so very many reasons, and many of them are not the woman’s fault. This is not 1569. It is not a woman’s fault alone for not bearing children. It could have been a chromosomal defect in the child. It can be so many small things that we don’t even understand. It does not mean it’s you or that you’re broken or can’t have children ever. I recently had a close friend have a beautiful baby girl after years of trying and IVF. Even if you have a hard time carrying children to term, there are other ways to become a mother. It’s okay to not be fertile myrtle. There’s nothing wrong with that, you’re not defective or less of a woman.
Did you know that 10-25% of pregnancies that are recognized clinically will end in miscarriages? That means ones that doctors actually KNOW about, not ones that women don’t even know they’re pregnant before they miscarry. It’s statistically so difficult to get pregnant and then keep it. If you do suffer a miscarriage, you’re NOT the only one and you are absolutely not alone. With everything in a woman’s reproductive system trying to kill off the sperm, and then all the things wrong with some sperm, it’s a miracle we can reproduce at all really. But, it’s possible. And it happens every day. Even if you’ve suffered a loss before. You can try again when you’re ready. There is no rush.
You don’t have to hide the fact you had a miscarriage, and yet you are under no obligation to share that information either. It’s completely up to you and your partner to decide what you would like to share. Remember that he/she will have emotions about the loss as well, so keep that in mind. You may be hurting, but they may have different thoughts about the whole thing. They are just as entitled as you, even if it’s an opposite feeling than you have. That is where communication between partners will have to come in. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have a conversation about what and/or how much to share with those around you. That way you’re both on the same page about it all.
I sincerely apologize if this hurts anyone that is reading it. I mean only to help and don’t want to cause more pain. I can empathize with the burning desire to have children, as that is all I want in the whole world. I can’t fathom the pain that some may go through who lose a child. For those who are sufferering, here is a list of support organizations that may help you through your pain.
To my friends with the recent loss: I’m so very sorry. Those are the only words I can think to say to express my pain for you right now. I’m sure I’ll see you soon and will give you a huge hug each. I love you both.