Guys. Bipolar is hard. It’s a lot easier now that I have a diagnosis and have been tracking everything. But when my mood changes, I notice more of everything. Everything matters now with how I take care of myself; I can see a huge change with small things like getting up on time and how that affects me. A few weeks ago I was in a mixed episode, I’m sure. This week I’m down. Not as far down as I used to be, but I’m what I call “quiet.” Which is often pensive and reflective. I just woke up from a nightmare about my step-kids. Nightmares always freak me out, as I usually do not dream. Now I’ve got that on my mind and likely won’t be able to sleep the rest of the night. And I struggle to sleep now without more on my mind.
Last week I was terrible about remembering to take my meds. That REALLY caused a downswing and also made me not feel great. Turns out SNRI’s really suck to stop taking for 2 days. After talking to group, we found a way for me remember at a consistent time. They’re right next to my bed and when I take out my retainer, I take my meds. Much easier in general to be medication compliant.
Then why am I down? I’m staying productive for the most part, which is a huge trigger for me. I’m doing my one productive thing a day at least. Still nothing. Do I just wait it out? How long until I go back up? I know this is all much easier and won’t last as long as it would have been unmedicated. But going through your first few swings after being much more stable is a bit disconcerting. At least before my diagnosis, I knew when I went down, I was going WAY down for a long time. Now it’s all unknown.
It also doesn’t help that I’ve been hyper-analzying my blog. Seeing what happens if I don’t write but once a week. Changing wording and format and titles to see what changes in patters of views. All I can see is that when I post, I get about 20 people reading for 2 days, then it goes down to 3. This has been hard for me to swallow. I have a hard time separating myself from my writing, so I’ve been taking it personally and questioning myself. Things are running through my head similar to “why even do this, am I helping anyone now? Am I not good enough at writing? Am I on the wrong topic, since I know no other bipolar people other than in group? Should I not do this anymore?” Yay for rumination!
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