Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It’s time now to sing out
Tho’ the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love

This song has been going through my head all day, as it is New Year’s Day.  This song always makes me reflect on my year and what’s happened and how I would measure it.  It is from the Musical, RENT, which has been my favorite since I saw it with my aunts, mother and grandmother as a young teen.  I think this is a great way to reflect back on 2018 and see what a tough year it was, but also how much growth I’ve accomplished during that time.

The first six months of 2018 I barely remember.  I was just chugging along, going to my doctor’s appointments and trying to get a handle on my depression and anxiety.  I knew I was sick, but thought it was just that.  Smaller things.  I was spread too thin, working really hard at my job and doing well at it.  I worked my ass of on some projects that changed the way my team worked.  At home, I was trying my best to be the best wife I could while holding onto resentment and irritability at Connor.  I came home and napped for 2 hours every night and then on nights when Connor was out in the garage, I’d play Zelda and just escape for a few hours.  I wasn’t LIVING, but I was going through the motions.

Then my kitty got sick and almost died.  Then I started struggling at work.  Then the car ran through Connor’s business.  Then I had more issues with my step-kids.  It all came down at once.  My suicidal ideations became stronger and I just wanted to drive my car off the road.  Then I did and ended up in the psych ward thinking I’d driven myself off the road (turns out I didn’t).  Now, everything is different.  I have hope.  I have life.  I’m doing a lot better and I’m not just going through the motions.

I can stop my car on the side of the road and really enjoy a stunning sunset with the dark silhouettes of guardian trees.  Cups of coffee can be savored next to snoring dogs and purring cats.  Every inch is harder, but sharper and more beautiful when viewed through the rearview mirror.  There is more laughter.  More strife.  There is more love.  I’ve learned more truths in the last six months than most of my life.  I’ve burned the bridges of the dark thoughts I’d had before.  I can celebrate and love my life and my friends.  My life is full of love now.  There is hope.

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