Warning: Whiny Post Ahead!

I came downstairs today not knowing what I wanted to write.  Or even if I DID want to write.  I just know I need to.  I think I am in a mixed state right now.  A mixed state is when you have elements of both hypomania and depression all at once.  My hypomania often comes out in irritability as well as starting things I don’t end up finishing.  I can’t sleep (well, I can’t sleep on my meds very long anyway, but it’s worsened by hypomania).  My depression is mostly just unbearable grey and uncaring and in general I don’t give a shit about anything.  I am not necessarily in pain or sadness, but I don’t care about anything.  I don’t want to do anything but sleep.  It’s utter and total disinterest and nothing is good or okay or beautiful anymore.  I don’t even want to play Zelda or cuddle with my animals.  And that’s unheard of.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, I will avoid texts and people.   Today I have group therapy at 2, and I’m convincing myself I HAVE to go, even though another part of me is trying to convince myself to call and not go.

Tdday body wants to go a million miles a minute, but I also don’t have the motivation or desire to do anything.  I’m down on myself right now for not wanting to do it, and I feel guilty for being lazy.  It’s 11:15 am.  I’ve been up since 9 am and all I’ve done is watch Outlander and some Harry Potter.  I am annoyed at everything, even my dogs.  I wouldn’t let Lulu use the stairs to the bed and cuddle today.  We cuddle every morning.

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I’m irritated at all the things in the house that are broken.  I’m annoyed that I have to clean up Christmas things, I’m frustrated that I sorted out all the presents from Christmas into the kid’s rooms, and yet I know they’ll sit there until I get angry and yell.  I’m heartbroken about something I can’t really talk about in a public place, I’m mad that it even happens.  I’m stuck on what to do about it (groupies, you’ll hear about it today I’m sure, if I can get myself to talk about it).  Right now, I’m highly annoyed that my dogs are downstairs with me and grabbed a piece of wood from the fireplace.  They are currently tearing it into bits and pieces on my clean carpet that I spent last Friday making sure was spotless for my two families coming over.

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Look at that face though!

I am pissed that I’m not smart enough to figure out how to fix my own washing machine that has a clogged filter (Oh, there goes my broken washer error-ing out again.).  So, I’m irritable to say the least.

My hypomania is telling me all the things that I should do right now.  It made me come down and write for one.  Then I want to clean my house (again).  Or should.  I should clean my fridge.  I need to organize my front closet.  I got a new Cricut (a fun cutting tool for crafting anything I ever want to) for Christmas and I want to learn how to do it.  My sister gave me two wonderful journals that have prompts on what to write about that I want to start, but lordie I don’t want to physically write.    I want to wash my new blue scalp in a shower, but no way do I want to shower when I’m also depressed.

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Look at all that blue!

My head is also telling me that I want to shop.  I don’t know with what money, but I want to get new things for my Cricut like iron on transfers and cardstock and all the things.  I need to pay off my hospital bills first before I blow money on fun things.  My impulsiveness got me to get a second piercing in my earlobe, which I’ve thought about doing since I was 18.  I just finally got the impulsiveness to actually DO it yesterday.

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Impulsive at it’s finest

I’m just going to stop here.  This quickly divulged from a therapy whine to a pathetic whine.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and enjoy your day.  Maybe when I wake up at 2 am tonight I’ll come down and write a legitimate post.  I just read an article about a study where they took a ton of people in MENSA and found that those with higher IQ’s are more likely to have a mood or other mental disorder.  I need to do a bit more research on the actual study though, not just the article about the published paper.

***I don’t even want to “advertise” this post on my social medias.  Let’s see how it does without it.  I feel like a twit for even publishing this in the first place.

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