My car wreck, when I drove my car off the road and checked myself into the loony bin was all the way back in September 19th. I’ve been off work since that time. Thankfully I had disability insurance and FMLA. However, my FMLA has now run out (I didn’t know you were limited on hours you can take!). So now, my company has offered me a personal leave of 60 more days. Though, with this generous gift of the 60 days, I would have to take a demotion. I worked so hard for my promotion I got a year before my breakdown (4 years!) and so it’s heartbreaking for me. I completely get the business need for it, having only one of my position puts so much stress on my companion and I’ve felt so guilty this entire time. But going back down a rung to where I was before breaks my heart. I liked that job too, but now that I moved up, I’m terrified I’ll be bored and slip into depression or just monotony.
I also am just utterly terrified to work again. It’s been nice to be able to just be home, even though I’m never really home. I’m always at group therapy or regular therapy or physical therapy or a doctor’s appointment. I’m constantly moving. I make sure to not isolate myself and make plans with family or a friend to keep my spirits up. I know that when I Isolate too long, I get more depressed. Though, the past few weeks I’ve felt I’ve over-done it and got too exhausted, so I took this week off from social engagements really. I needed to recharge. Now I just must do the housework that’s been severely suffering at home because of my jet-setting. And I digress again.
I’m scared to go back to work because it’s been so long. In my field, things change on a daily basis. I’ve been out so long, who knows if anything is even remotely the same. Also, since I’d be doing the specialist position, which I haven’t done in over a year, I’m not sure how to do that anymore. It’s been so long. I’m sure I’ll catch on again, but it’s terrifying. I’m scared of jumping back into working 8.5 hours again, when I’ve had relative freedom for so long. But, I need to go back. I need to contribute to my family. And, I need to work for my own sanity I think. I like being home, but once my multiple therapies are done…what will I do with myself? I can only clean so much, my back won’t let me do a lot. And come on, what kind of life is cleaning daily, for someone who doesn’t care for it anyway?
The other option I was given, was to terminate my employment and go on long term disability with the long-term disability insurance provided through my company. If I’m on LTD until March, they will apply and then appeal my case for me, so essentially, I’ll have to do nothing to apply, which is huge. My sticking point is insurance. I don’t know what happens with that. I need insurance. I have way too many doctor’s visits to not have it. It’s not an option. I have to work. So, I guess I’ve made up my mind already. Back to work it is. Let’s see how this goes. I am super excited to see everyone, I missed my work friends so much. We were very close, and they’ve sent me cards and a book about a Lulu bulldog (I have a bulldog named Lulu!). They are the sweetest, and after 4 years, it’s hard to not get attached to your team. Alright work. Here I come. Time to talk to my boss and therapist and set a date I suppose!