Because I have my undergrad degree in psychology, I’ve always pushed to end the stigma attached to having a mental disorder. It’s something I will argue about with people with no hesitation. The brain is an organ just like the kidneys, why can’t it get sick too? Why do we look down on those that are depressed and tell them, “just get over it. Why can’t you see the good in things? Just be happy!” and things to that effect. I logically understand that it is a holdover from previous decades and not understanding the human brain nor it’s disabilities. But it can still be infuriating to someone who not only suffers from a mental disorder, but has an education in it as well (all be it a small one in the scheme of things).
Then I admitted myself to the psych ward. I voluntarily checked myself into the loony bin, and not for an experiment like Nelly Bly did (check her out, her investigative journalism really shocked the world of mental health: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Days_in_a_Mad-House). I was diagnosed with bipolar II, not just a simple depression/anxiety thing which I believe is a lot easier for people to swallow, if still stigmatized. Well shit, what now? How do I go about living with this, in more than a logistics way? Do I hide it? Do I only tell certain people? With my open views on mental health, do I shout it to the world? What will the repercussions be to myself and those I love? What about gun control and the conversations involving us “crazies” now? How will that affect me?
For the first few weeks, I was extremely tight lipped about my diagnosis. I didn’t tell anyone but my family and close friends. I felt like a total hypocrite. How can I say everyone ELSE needs to be open about their diagnosis, but not do that myself? I had already begun working on my book about being in the hospital but planned on using a pen-name, so my family wouldn’t be harmed if I was ever able to publish. The cognitive dissonance was astounding and hurt my head. I couldn’t reconcile the two. So, I decided that I was going to blog. That way I could practice and hone my writing “skills” as well as be open about what was happening to me. I’m so glad I did. I am sure I will feel negative repercussions for this other than Connor questioning me about privacy the first day I posted and my dear friend G calling to warn me.
I truly hope that I can, in some small way, help end some of the stigma of bipolar. I still catch myself when asked, hesitating to say what’s happening to me. I will choke on the words but spit them out nonetheless. I have got to. I can’t lie to myself and others about something as simple as a chemical imbalance (they think, as far as I’ve seen, they don’t know precisely why it happens). The brain and psychology are still a very young science. When I do say that I have bipolar, I make sure to not specify bipolar II for a few reasons. One is that most don’t KNOW that there are two distinct types of Bipolar. Another reason is that it just doesn’t matter. I have the disorder, I’m admitting it, it doesn’t matter which. One more reason is that bipolar II, for those that know about it, is seen as the more “mild” form of bipolar, which isn’t true. Yes, the mania is much more mild (called hypomania), but the depressive episodes are MUCH deeper than Bipolar I, which makes it just as intense, but in a different area.
Sometimes I will refer people to read my blog, which feels a lot like a shameless plug for views. Even though I only get a very small amount of views, I do want more. I want more people to see what it’s like to live through the disorder. I want as many people who DON’T have bipolar to see that we are just the same as you, we just have to fight our brains every day. That’s not scary to you. We (for the most part) aren’t scary or dangerous, though there are some that are. Not all mental health sufferers will be dangerous. With millions of people diagnosed with some type of illness, it’s such a small percent of us that do become violent or dangerous to others in some way. Mostly we are self-harming. Mostly.
Shameless self-plug ahead. If you’ve ever thought about sharing this blog, please do. I want to help others in any way I can. If that means putting my whole life out there, then so be it. My existence doesn’t feel worth it if I don’t make some small impact, in some small way. I think this is the way I was supposed to make my impact. Let others know they are not alone. They are seen. So, share away! It’s an easy link to remember, Enterbipolar.com. Think of the Metallica song “enter sandman” except with bipolar. That’s what I stole the name from (fun fact!), as well as from Hamilton the musical, “So there will be a revolution in this century, Enter me! He says in parenthesis.” Hopefully that’ll help you remember as you’re living and encounter someone that may need any kind of help. And of course, please reach out to me with questions if you have any! I have an email address set up just for this site and you should be able to find it under the “contact me” page. Or, if you know me personally, message/text me. I’m terrible with phone calls, they make me anxious as all hell.