Today was a hard day for me. For absolutely no reason. I woke up as is now typical at 2AM, went back to sleep at 4AM, woke up at 7 and decided I needed more sleep. I forced myself to sleep and didn’t wake up until 11AM. I felt like the worst person ever. For some reason, I’ve always slept really well during the day when I’m not supposed to, and when I’m depressed, I sleep for 18 hours a day sometimes. I guess when I didn’t wake up at an acceptable time, I slid back into the fear and loathing that I feel when I sleep too much when depressed.
When I did get up, I immediately decided that I was the worst person in the world and not worthy of love. I was telling myself that I was a lazy piece of crap and a terrible wife and stepmother. I love my husband and step-kids and hate when I feel that I’m not good enough for them. Thankfully I didn’t get any suicidal thoughts, because then I’d check myself back into the hospital or have to call my psychiatrist(s). Now, knowing that I feel worse about myself when I’m not productive, I decided I had to get up and moving and do something. I decided to go to the hardware store to get paint, as my stepdaughter wants to redecorate her room into something more teenager-like rather than the pre-teen she has now. I think it’s a great idea and we have come up with a really cute design. Now I just have to do it. I went to go pick out paint and such and ended up spending a lot more than I thought I would on supplies. I didn’t even get anything I didn’t need, which is what I usually do when shopping. “Oh! That’s fun, I need that too” is something that happens all too often. I’m a much too impulsive shopper and it’s caused a lot of issues.
So, still miserable in my head and fighting negative looping thoughts, I got home and put up some more Christmas decorations outside. I put some solar lights in Berkley’s garden (where I buried his things and planted a tree since I didn’t have him to bury) and lined my walkway with little solar light bulbs from the dollar store. Then I went inside and finally finished another painting project I’ve wanted to do forever. The walls on my stairwell are/were all scuffed up from moving things up and down the stairs and it drives me nuts. So I got my little paintbrush and fixed it all. I actually got to put away the paint that I’ve had out since I fixed my bathroom paint weeks ago. I’m glad that’s done. But I couldn’t get started on my stepdaughter’s room. It felt overwhelming to pull everything down from her walls and push it all in the center of the room. Taping and prepping was just too much for me today. I knew I couldn’t do it. I wanted to also finally put up my Christmas tree, but I knew that would be too much too. I did get it assembled and fluffed but I couldn’t get myself to put up any ornaments. Baby steps I guess.
I am learning to reach out to Connor and tell him when I’m feeling down or upset about things, as it’s something I have hidden from him for years. I started randomly crying for no reason really. I hate crying. I have no idea why, but I feel weak and don’t want to succumb to emotions like that. I told him how I felt, and he did what he knew how to do. He sent me a video that was talking about how you are worthy of love and that “you are enough.” I cried when I watched that too, as I was asking him if I’m still a good person with dust and dirt in my house. If I’m still worth loving even though I struggle with being productive and getting things done. The video was his way of responding to my asking for help, as he doesn’t usually know what to say in these situations. He’s trying so hard to understand and work with me on my illness and he was very thoughtful in sending me that video. I’ll see if I can link to it at the end of the blog for those who need to know they are enough as well.
Finally, in the evening after forcing myself to do as much as I could, even though I felt extremely down and overwhelmed, I decided to cook dinner. I HATE cooking so much, but I’ve been trying to learn to at least tolerate it. I’m just not great at it. I got a free week of Hello Fresh, so decided I was going to do one all on my own (Connor had to help me on the last one). I did it and it actually worked. Of course, I was not hungry at this point, being upset all day. All I ate yesterday was some cheeze-its and a bowl of cereal at 3AM. This medicine makes me not hungry (YAY! Maybe I can lose the weight I gained back in my hypomanic state!). But, when Connor came home, he sat down at the table with me as I was coloring (he suggested I do that when I complained to him as well, as he knows it calms me down). He was going to come downstairs and do the tree with me too, but I could see how much pain he was in so told him to go lay down. I finally felt okay. Not good. Not happy or good about myself. But okay. The hamster wheel of negative thoughts was finally slowing down.
When I feel that way, it makes me panic that I am going to go down into a depressive episode again. Depression for me is the absolute worst. Hypomania sucks and is very destructive, but the depression ruins my relationships and costs me so much. So, when I have a bad day like today, my anxiety goes into overdrive and doesn’t help the depression. It’s a vicious cycle and one I’m terrified of. But, I made it through today. I did it. I didn’t lapse into deep depression and lay in bed all day. I was productive and got things done. And that helps. Even though it was hard, and I had to focus on one thing at a time, I did it. And you can too when you’re struggling. Just do the next right thing that you can handle. Even if it’s just showering and getting up. It’s something.
Here is the video Connor sent me in case anyone is interested. I want to keep it for myself when I struggle again. https://youtu.be/bUMFZM5WBrI